Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
