my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
