I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
