The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
