tonight lets celebrate not being married
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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