Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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