we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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