If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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