We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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