I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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