Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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