My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
