clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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