Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize