She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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