I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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