I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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