her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
