The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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