What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
