Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
sarcasm needs its own font
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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