Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
