the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize