The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
