My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dick very happy bro
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
