you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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