he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize