I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
