Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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