She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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