based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I AM VODKA MAN
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
