i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
