This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
