I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
