I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize