I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
