I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
