im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
