I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
