i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
