Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
