The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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