Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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