Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
