I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
