maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
