the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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