so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
