I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
