so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize