This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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