textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
