Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize