Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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