i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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