I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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