I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
