the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
cat food counts as protein by the way
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
