ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
