the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
