Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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