awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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