Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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