dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
