U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize