Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
